I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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