tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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