and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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