Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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