Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
