I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize