My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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