Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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