I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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