I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize