drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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