By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
