Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize