and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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