I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
