honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
