Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize