saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
