I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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