quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
