My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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