There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
