Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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