A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
