Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
