I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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