I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
