I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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