Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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