If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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