I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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