I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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