apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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