so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize