So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
