I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize