My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
