he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
