i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
