Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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