Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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