Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
