I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
