I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
