you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
