I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
