just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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