Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
