I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
