I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
