quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
