Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
