Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
