capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize