I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my shit smells like andre
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
