The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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