life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
