Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
last night I used snow as a chaser
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
