I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
