as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
