You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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