I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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