the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
